My tried and tested 3 steps to managing big emotions at bedtime
Dealing with big emotions at bedtime is often inevitable as everyone is tired and it's putting an end to the fun of the day. This is why many parents refuse to even contemplate the idea of making any changes to an already stressful end to the day. And I totally get that! I have been there and struggled immensely with tantrums at bedtime (both mine and my kids!). But one thing I know, is that once the changes have been implemented, bedtime can be a much calmer event with far less tantrums and shouting.
My tried and tested 3 steps to dealing with the emotions are:
1. Regulate
Regulating your own emotions is the most important thing to do (which can also be the hardest of all these steps) before you can help them. As hard as it is, you want to be the calm in the storm while they’re feeling their feelings. It is totally OK to take a time out for a short period if you are beginning to feel triggered and need some space. Take a breath, tap your fingers, think of somewhere calming, repeat some positive affirmations...whatever it is you need to do to make sure your emotions don't boil over.
2️. Connect
Get on their level and show them you understand how tough it is for them. A cuddle goes a long way. Try to let go of thoughts of “this is so frustrating”, “I just want to go and make my dinner” or “not again” and instead try to be present in the moment, just being near to them. Look at their hands and remember how small they are. They’re not trying to be difficult; they’re just finding the new changes hard. Give them a cuddle or just sit next to them. Help your child to recognise what they’re feeling, for example you may say, “Even though I’m sitting right by the door, you feel worried”. There’s no need to try to reassure them or reason with them as logic doesn’t work when they’re feeling emotional. Instead, help them to feel understood - “I can see that you’d love mummy to stay with you the whole night. I know you love our cuddles at night and it’s making you feel sad/cross that we won’t have them anymore”.
3. Refocus
Help to refocus them once they’re back to a calm place. Hold the boundary but let them decide what's going to happen next instead - “When you’re ready, snuggle down and close your eyes. Would you like a cuddle or a kiss before you close your eyes?”. This important step shows them that you are sticking to your new boundaries and is the key to successfully making any changes at bedtime.
In the beginning, it might feel like the emotions are never ending or getting worse. This is really normal as your child tests whether you actually mean it and are going to stick to the new boundaries. If you’ve made changes before but haven’t stuck to them, this process might go on a little longer as they are expecting you to give in again if they just complain hard enough. Stick with it and you’ll see changes within 2-3 weeks.
If you still haven’t seen any improvements after 2-3 weeks, feel free to book in a call for us to chat more about what else could be going on.