The secret weapon against bedtime battles: 10 minutes of special time
One tip that I recommend for nearly every single family I work with, is implementing 10 minutes of 1:1 special time with their children. It can improve separation anxiety, reduce bedtime pushback, and helps children to get on board with any changes you may want to make around sleep.
Why is special time such a winner?
We live in a world where we're constantly bombarded by things that need to be done immediately and it can feel so hard to find the time to give our kids all the love and attention they crave. That’s why bedtime can become such a battle as that is often the one time that they get our full attention, and they want to drag it out as much as possible.
Lots of parents say to me “but the attention they’re getting isn’t nice attention – we’re getting cross, shouting, frustrated, it’s not fun. Surely, they can’t be dragging it out to have more of this horrible time together?” But that is the crazy thing about kids! Their brains are still developing; especially the frontal lobe which oversees logical reasoning, impulse control, and emotion regulation. This means that to their brain, any attention is good. Bizarre I know, but we all know half of what children do is unexplainable!
What does Special Time look like?
I encourage parents to try and schedule in 10 minutes of quality 1:1 time at the beginning of bedtime (or earlier if that’s not possible) to fill their quota for attention up before we start the routine.
Get down on their level
Make eye contact
Give tons of praise
Comment on what they’re doing without asking loads of questions
Put away electronics and try as hard as you can to be in the moment and forget about your never ending to-do list
The most important part of this special time together is allowing your child to take the lead. So often we use our time with our kids to teach them something (because that's our job after all), but just for 10 minutes try to let go of perfection and let them be the boss. Even if the rules of the game are all wrong, their picture looks a mess or their tower is definitely going to fall down! Go with it and just have fun. Praise them as much as possible for creativity and effort. Don’t feel the need to fill the silence if it isn’t needed. Be their number one fan.
Ideas for Special Time
Whatever you choose to do doesn’t have to be anything fancy - it can literally be dancing around your kitchen if that’s something your child loves to do. Some examples of things you can do are:
Play with a ball outside
Ask them to show you their latest Lego creation (and really be interested!)
Play a quick board game (but don’t worry if they totally make up the rules or cheat!)
Make a den
Set up an obstacle course in the living room using pillows and sofa cushions
Jump on the bed
Look through old photo albums
Colouring
Doing jigsaw puzzles
Paint each other’s nails
Play a game of chase
Pillow fights
Action songs or singing together
Play dressing up
If you know your child will struggle to think of something to play for 10 minutes, give them a couple of options to choose from. After you’ve done this a few times, they’ll begin to ask for certain things or you’ll begin to see what works.
Does it have to be exactly 10 minutes?
I think 10 minutes is the perfect amount of time for this activity. Any shorter, and you can’t fully get into an activity together (although I would say, if one evening you only have time for 5 minutes, then that is definitely better than not doing it at all). Any longer, and it begins to take over your evenings and it can start to feel like a chore. I want this to be something that you also enjoy as your child will pick up on your enthusiasm. Kids can tell when our heads aren’t in it fully.
In the beginning it is important to hold this boundary of it only being 10 minutes. It’s something that your children will probably love, and they of course won’t want it to end. So, make sure to set up the expectation in the beginning – use a kitchen timer or phone alarm to set the 10 minutes and ask them if they’d like a warning halfway through or 1 minute before the end. I’ve worked with families where they allowed the expectation to slide a few times because everyone was enjoying it so much, but it then meant the child expected this the next time and they were ending up playing for hours and feeling like it was becoming unmanageable.
But I have 3 kids – how am I meant to manage this?
This is something that comes up a lot with families I work with. If you have a partner at home that can help out, ask them to have the other two kids and then alternate the children every night so one child will get special 1:1 time every 3 days and then 1:2 time the other 2 days. If it’s just you at home then finding the time for it at other times of the day e.g. if you pick one up earlier than the other from school, or if you drop one to school while the other walks with friends, or if you have some time waiting in the car while one is at an afterschool club. It might not be every day, but finding those moments where you can share 5 or 10 minutes of connection time will be better than not doing it at all.
Final note
One of the main things I want to note is that it is a lot harder to plan in 10 minutes of special time than you may expect. So don’t beat yourself up if you’re not able to do it one day. Tomorrow is a new day and a new chance to plan it into your schedule.
If you’ve enjoyed implementing 10 minutes of special time with your child and would like some more help getting your bedtime routine sorted, download my Bedtime Battles and Night Wakes Guide here for more developmentally appropriate strategies (for ages 2-7years) built on developing connection and improving bedtime.