From chaos to calm: How to create a bedtime routine that works
If the bedtime routine is pretty lax or non-existent in your house, then you are not alone!
It’s something that a lot of parents I speak to have given up on at some point in their child’s life, usually around the toddler years due to too many tantrums, requests and dramas.
The kids were splashing in the bath, asking for a million stories, parents were chasing kids around to try and get their pyjamas on, and understandably, the parents gave up on it and decided that they couldn’t deal with it anymore.
So why do we need a bedtime routine?
Although it may not seem like it, kids love predictability and rules – it helps them to feel safe and secure in what is expected of them. This isn’t to say that they won’t try to fight those boundaries and rules – this is just part of their job as young kids to test the limits and see what they can get away with!
Science shows that using the same consistent schedule every night sets a series of signals that help cue your child's brain to recognise that sleep is approaching and helps kids fall asleep quicker and stay asleep longer.
I think it’s always useful to know that it is SO COMMON for bedtime to be a sh*t show in houses all across the world when toddlers, preschoolers and kids are involved (don’t get me started on teenagers!). Bedtime is a prime time for difficulties as it’s one of the main times in the day that our children have our full attention, and they will do anything to have more of it.
Plan in special 1-1 time
So, my first tip for creating a successful bedtime routine is to try to implement something I call Special Time at the beginning of the routine. This is 10 minutes of quality 1 on 1 time with your child which promotes connection between you and helps to release any anxieties or stresses that may have built up during the day.
Be clear about the expectations with your child
My next tip with a bedtime routine is to decide what you want the routine to look like - how many books are you willing to read, how long are you willing to stay with them and how long do you want the routine to be in total and STICK WITH THAT. I know that in the moment it's so much easier to just give in to their requests to have an easy life. But sticking with the routine through the rough patch of them testing that boundary will totally pay off in the long run, I PROMISE YOU!!
Remember it's your job to hold the boundary and your kid's job to test it (this is just where they are at developmentally). Once they know you're definitely going to stick to it, no matter what, you can all have a much easier and smoother bedtime going forward!
Parents are often really nervous about sticking to the boundary because of the big emotions that might occur - in this case, I encourage you to look through the tips for dealing with big emotions that I write about in this article. It’s developmentally normal for kids to push boundaries but it can be such a triggering moment, so it’s an important one to make sure you’re ready for.
What should the bedtime routine look like?
We want the bedtime routine to be under 1 hour long from the start of it to the time your child falls asleep. Around 30-45 minutes is ideal. It doesn’t have to include anything fancy; literally brushing teeth, going to the toilet, reading a story or singing a song before lights out can be the extent of your routine if you don’t have a lot of time.
The key to success is consistency – repeat them in the same order every night and you’ll soon start to see the benefits of your child falling asleep quicker and staying asleep longer, within a couple of weeks.
Things that can help make the routine go more smoothly:
Visual timers: Sand-timers or kitchen timers can be useful to show our child how long they have for each activity.
Visual routines: This can help visually show what your child needs to do next and can help you from having to repeat yourself a million times! Download one here for free.
Praise: When you’re frustrated and tired it can be so hard to do, but focusing on the tiny bits of positive behaviour and ignoring some of the negative behaviours can really help the routine to run more smoothly.
Choices: Another big thing that can help with bedtime battles is giving lots of choices throughout the process. Kids are given so many instructions throughout the day - research shows that on average, parents give their kids 17 commands every half an hour and this can rise to 40 if your child is misbehaving - which results in them not having much control over their lives. Kids are learning to assert their independence and show they are a person in their own right. So, allowing them to choose their own pyjamas, decide where in their bedroom they want to read their bedtime story or decide if they want to brush their teeth in the bath or after the bath can really help reduce the amount of push back you get from any requests.
Pre-empt any requests
If your child often has a million requests as soon as the lights are turned out, take a note of what they usually are and plan these into the routine:
If they always insist they’re hungry, introduce a bedtime snack before teeth brushing time.
If they always complain of being thirsty, pop some water in a non-spill cup next to the bed.
If they always ask for more hugs, plan in some extra snuggle time before lights out.
If they want to tell you all about the things they’ve learnt at school that day, plan in 10 minutes of 1 on 1 time where they can download and get everything off their chest either by talking, writing or drawing it.
Use tokens to cut down the amount of requests
If your child is often popping out of bed to see you after you leave the room, you can use bedtime tokens like these to limit how often they get out.
You can give your child between 2 & 5 tokens which they can exchange for a hug, kiss or question. Once they’ve used it they must return straight to bed. The catch is, if they have any left over in the morning, they can exchange them for something they really like such as a favourite cereal, 5 minutes of extra play time or choosing the music in the car on the way to school.
You think your child is too wild for a bedtime routine?
Some kids are particularly wild before bedtime - their bodies just don’t seem to be able to relax and they almost start bouncing off the walls as soon as the bedtime routine starts.
First of all, I would always check to make sure they’re not over tired. Over-tiredness can often look like your child is wired because their body is filled with adrenaline keeping them awake.
Are they getting the average amount of sleep for their age?
Are they able to wake easily in the morning?
Do they wake happy and not too emotional?
If you answered no to any of these questions, I would first work on gradually getting them more sleep either by bringing bedtime earlier, combatting early wakes or working on night wakes.
If you answered yes to these questions, then it sounds like your child may just have some sensory needs that need meeting before they can feel calm at the end of the day.
In this case, incorporating sensory activities before bedtime can help your child’s body to relax and switch from their sympathetic nervous system to the parasympathetic nervous system. I have a great article about sensory play ideas here.
What can you do if bedtime still feels like too much to manage
If you’ve tried everything I’ve discussed above but you feel like you need more support with implementing a bedtime routine, find my downloadable guide to bedtime battles here. It is a step by step guide to set you up for success at bedtime giving you different options based on your child, along with lots of easy to implement, practical advice and sleep coaching strategies.